Goodbye Sunshine

Current Mood: melancholic
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Heaven by Nu Flavour, Close To Heaven by Color Me Badd
Current Annoyance: Why do I miss you?
Current Physical Ailment: Insomnia

 Funny how I haven't written in this blog for years and suddenly I decide to write in here about an old flame... *sigh* Just like the old times...

I supposed I might as well dedicate this whole blog to 'him', eh? LOL.

 Hmmm.. Close To Heaven just came on iTunes. Thing song will always remind me of 'him'. How long has it been? 7 years?

 Crushes come and go. Time to move on. Well I did, and ended up with a rebound. Pathetic of me. hahaha... This I supposed, will be the last blog about 'him' in here.

 So, Mr Sunshine. For the last time... Thanks for the memories.

 xoxo
S. (I wonder if you remember what you used to call me...)

Freaking mad!!! M 23, not 5!!!

Current Mood: Freaking mad
Current Colour: red and black
Current Music: a pretty hypnotic song- teardrop by massive attack (listening to Prison Break OST) wait... change to deftones cd. not my kninda thing but my emo guy listens to it. it has serve it's purpose... it's emo enough for my emo mood... grrrrr....
Current Annoyance: parents being a pain in my@ss... they treat my sis as if she's 20 years older than me n i'm only 5!!
Current Obsession: getting the hell out of brunei



Ok. so I lie. I do hate getting stucked in brunei, no frens except Lina and Khiong, working with OLDER ppl who have kids my age, no life except go to work- come home- sleep- and repeat that every freaking working day!!!

I've been trying to convince myself, life isn't so freaking bad here in brunei. no tax, no war, earn enough money to convince myself not to kill myself after work each day....

do i hate my job? no... i hate my freaking life! d only fun i ever get is when i go out with lina to shop/ eat/ hunting/ wahatever... enough fun to be contented to actually have only one real fren here in this WHOLE country. sad? i think i really should have taken up mum's offer to bring me to psychatrist when i was 15-16. yeah, i've been pretty fucked up since i stepped into brunei. i had a normal life in kuching. when i was in miri at least i have a semi normal life. Now?? i dont haf a life. One day might go haywire and be dysfunctional. maybe i shud do a britney and shave my freaking hair off...

yes. this is my cry for attention, i want, no, i NEED to get out of brunei. it's screwing up my life- depression at 15, suffered from bully-ish from form 4-5, low self esteem at 16, inferior complex at 16, duel/multi personality complex by 18 (if u know me from uni, u'd b surprise to know the me in brunei), no bf til 23.... damn. How to get a bf if wanna go out with a FEMALE friend (aka Lina, who else?) also haf to ask for permission?? Am 23 orr, not 15! My sis sometimes just go out and she's 20!!

my sis allowed to travel on her own (she flew ALONE yesterday) or with frens by 18 or 19. me? d furthest is miri la, by bus n sampan. u think my parents even allow me to go further? once off handedly said wanna go to sibu by land with frens, they freak out... yeah. That bad. and that was when i was in uni.

the first time i went out with frens (legally) was when i was 17 (at 123 0r 14 or so got sneak out la... pretend go to post office or sch or buy sch project stuffs... but go lim teh or just browsing at BOOKSTORE... m such a nerd/ geek). my first sleepover was at 18. my first sem in uni (foundation at riam time) i was grounded for 1 sem coz i got caught at d shopping mall at 10.30pm by my cousin (tale tell... :( grrr...) My first date... hahahha... u think any guy wanna date me? considering that they probably haf to send in written request to my parents just to go out with me or worse probably wanna chaperone. Oh hell...

come on la. M old enough to think here! if in uni manage to fend off ppl who wanted to get into my pants (yeah, a few... including... nevermind), definitely know how to think properly. I mean, d idea of u know, one night stand... to some it's fun but to me... i have a sense of dignity and self worth. i still respect myself and even if no 1 respect me, i still wanna respect myself in d morning when i get up. me no prude (oh hell, further than that ok. my mind is like an x rated movie store sometimes, thanks to listening to too much guys' talk in uni) but dont expect me to screw around.

drug, smoking, drinking, sex... all the vices... i manage to graduate without trying any of those. what makes it different now?? considering i had frens who r alcoholics, chain smokers ( normal ciggies n also those who did weed...), druggies/ pusher (well i suspect only la, cant confirm... lol. dunno whr they r now), permiscuous frens (yeah, some bitches i know slept with HIM)... i don't condemn them for their choices... it's a free world. but they never influenced me. hell, idont even go clubbing!! not that i'm a goody two shoes... iame home at 9am before (but stayng alone so who cares... din come back for days also no1 scold...)

parents shud give me some slack la... m 23, repeat, 23. I work and earn my own money. yes, i did set aside some for d future. for my studies but hey... i need to relax sometimes. need to go out, meet some friends, meet guys (brunei no guys that interest me, all i meet are OLD ppl from work related thingies) mayb date a few guys? Grrr!!! I wish some guy jsut sweep me off my feet, bring me away to a far far away land and live happily ever after... when i was 12, i said i wanna marry at 24... hello, m 23 and no bf... u think my parents let me get married after a short courtship??? no way... ppl gossip only later, must b pregnant one la, shotgun al, whatever la... probably at least 5 years by d looks of it... if i even manage to get a guy to date me in d first place!! sigh... scared of ending up alone... a lonely spinster with 30 cats... Oh hell!! that's scary. if by 40 din marry probably kill myself liaw lorr or b permiscuous... hahahaha.... sigh... only if.... who knows, probably dun even live to be 30 with all this stress and depression... lol. touch wood!!!

But m raring to leave this place so ppl, if u wanna make me happy, offer me a job OUTSIDE of brunei and sarawak/sabah ok. The further aka Hollywood d better! of course m not cutting ties la... come back 4 holidays but hell... need to get out n learn how to cope in d real world. how to be a mother to a 23 year old next time if i cant give advise how it is to b a 23 year old trying to survive in the real world???? Grrr...right now my family is dysfunctional enough ok (not immediate family, extended family). dont make my future like that too... need space to breathe!! aargh!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, my point is... I'm 23. Give me opportunity to grow up and experience life as a 20 something. Allow me to make decissions ( how to how to learn if never get opportunity?? like this job, i applied for it and took it because MY PARENTS want me to, not because I WANT to... more like I HAD to coz I HAD NO CHOICE... I need a job that i enjoy and not a job whr i haf to lie that i liked it whenever i meet YOUR friends) Let me go outh with friends sometimes. If my youngers sister can go for holidays alone, why not me. After all, I'm going with my best friend of 13 years.... who was like another daughter in the family. So... Let me go to Singapore!!!!!!! aargh!!! Stressed enough in office. need to let go some steam before i explode.


P/S: M not disrespecting my parents here or how they r bring us up/ parenting skills. we turn out ok but please... no need to hold on too tight. I need to grow up and leave the nest.

Facelift

Current Mood: pissed
Current Colour: seeing red
Current Music: tv
Current Annoyance: ppl who dont like me to input into conversations... ppl trying to make conversation ma... if i dun talk ppl say i'm sulking again n not sociable

Nothing much to blog coz got mood killer at home... ppl cannaot kill that person's mmod but that person can kill other's mood la... grr...

Anyways, in d next few days would be giving my bloggie a face lift. Deleting some entries, esp those of me ranting about more oh-so-boring job. Why can't I have a job half as exciting as what I studied? The closes thing to a production set/ studio i have now is the RTB studios!!! *Groan* Can't wait til Rama announce that Curtin would be offering MA in mass Comm... though he did say it could be Media Management... Not my kinda thing... prefer to work my way up first... It's weird that nowadays ppl tend to get managerial jobs without knowing what they are supposed to be managing. I mean, if a person is a Media manager, of course he/she needs to have a knowledge and experience of the people they are managing. eg, managing a TV network... should know how TV programming is done, handled, the selection proccess that has to be done when selecting tv shows, time slots, adverts etc... Besides... I'm kinda sick of working in an office with no action! LOL... need the adrenaline rush, moving here and there, working under extreme pressure... Syok man!!

Anyways... I'll better stop before I go off ranting about my 'job' again... People would think i hate my job. No I don't actually hate it. Frankly speaking.. I don't feel anything about it. I do what I have to do, not because I want to but because I have to. Most ppl hate their bosses... Mine's not bad. Pretty nice. too bad I cant say the same about my DOB (only I know what DOB means) colleagues... Plus... the AGE GAP!! and the lack of men... Married older men with kids my age or older ada lah in my office but sorry... Not interested at all... Sigh...

PPl think I hate my life in Brunei... Truly, if this is any other country and my life is still like this, I'd stil hate it. It's not the country (unless it's a country where I can actually see/meet young hot guys and not boring old people only)... it's d ppl (or lack of ppl) I'm around. Need to hang out with more younget ppl... Other ppl can hang out with their colleagues after work... Mine? Hello... they haf families to return to. Had so much fun that day cruising around and hanging out at coffeebean til pass midnight with Lina & Khiong... and coming back only when my parents were already sleeping! hahaha... Definitely better than coming back from workand crashing on d bed
each night, day in and day out...

Pain...

Current Mood: melancholic
Current Colour: navy blue, dark red
Current Music: Pain by Three Day's Grace
Current Annoyance: Get out of my head!
Current Obsession: getting someone out of my system again

this song's one of my fav new songs... cant find the CD song manage to get the ring tone. Saw d music vid on MTV & loved d song from the first time... Lyrics says it all... got a "relapse". wonder when can I get over this????

Pain - Three Days Grace (Album- One X)

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
‘Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Thank God it wasn't him!

Current Mood: tired
Current Colour: black
Current Music: sleeping with the lights on (busted)
Current Annoyance: my body aching
Current Obsession: sudoku on my N73! oh noooo....
Current Physical Ailment: body aching all over

Sigh... cant sleep again. so checking mail & what not. hmm... was reading my previous entry. hahahha... wanna laugh la. Was laughing d other day. I saw d guy-who-looks-like-Sunshine at airport. he was checking in. same flight as my sis. i had a good look at him. Definitely NOT Sunshine! why?

1. his nose is sharper & lips r different.
2. face is smaller & sharper. kinda ratty! lol.
3. he is a left hander (Sunshine's right handed. I should know. I observe him enough to know dat)
4. SKINNIER!!!
5. shorter
6. when i really got to look at him, i realised his build is not d same. small shoulders, d waist also different. dunno how i can tell but yeah.
7. his ass!! His Ass made me decide it wasn't Sunshine! LOL! Why? coz Sunshine's ass was wider! lol. and rounder and so nice to look at that it makes one wanna smack it! huhuhu...

hahaha... I sound like a perv la! But hey, I stare at his ass enough to enjoy it. din help dat he even purposely raise his t-shirt a bit to show his sexy red undies & then tug his short up... in front of me IN THE RAIN... after we got to uni... together... LOL. huh? together? hehehe... ader la... not gonna tell... *wink wink*

U shud haf heard my sighs of relieve when I realised it wasn't him. Kus semangat! Nearly died when i thought it was him. why? coz if it was him... i'd probably die of curiosity why he's here 7 all dat. Plus I had a weird dream abt him becoming a manager in brunei & we get invited to d same function (by French embassy at Yacht club!! must. be. wary. if. i. get.invite. from. french. embassy). weird, weird , WEIRD!!!

anyways... happy it's all over. but stress out coz my boss it back & i feel like my ass is gonna get busted. dunno la. when she was away office was very tensed bah. I have d feeling i used to have in uni or sch when i feel/know/think dat i will get called up and get busted! damn!

I thought I saw Sunshine in Brunei!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: confused
Current Colour: navy blue... hehehe
Current Music: some a1 songs my sis is playing... sigh remind me of......
Current Annoyance: was it you just now?
Current Obsession: is he is brunei?
Current Physical Ailment: headache due to confusion! heart ache is back again coz it remembers all d beautiful things of 2003-2004... sigh....

I just need to blog before I go crazy! was waiting 4 dad after work & i saw this guy talking to another guy (I assume asking something/ directions/ whatever). the first guy's back was facing me but something abt d physical build and mannerism reminded me of -HIM-. was wearing a cap and something abt d side of his face/ jaw under d cap reminded me of... Grrr...

when he walked passed me... aiyoyo... really looks like -HIM- except thinner and darker. height same, eyes, facial features all same. d guy din seem to show any recognisation when he passed me so maybe it's just me being silly and it wasn't him. then again, mayb if it WAS -HIM- then mayb he din recognise me with all my clothes on. eh, dont think d wrong way... i meant, he prob din recognise me (If it was -HIM-) coz he used to see me in skippy spaghetti strap tops and mini skirts in uni. Not that he had seen me nude la... choy! u think i so cheap ah? got offer but u think i want meh? wanna kena disown ka? cheh!

Anyway, now i cant sleep thus am blogging coz me so confused if that was -HIM- of his doppelganger (sp?) Aargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! d first 2-3 hrs i was grinning like a fool, now my head is spinning like a whirlpool.... oh man. I'm starting to rhyme again. He makes me rhyme & write poems... beware if u get poems in my blog!! Damn!!! if it is him... wat's he doing here? where is his other half (rumoured to have one already...) wt was he doing where he was (just now) and looking for wat? Aaargh!!!! I nearly fell off the steps just now and my heart cud haf dropped out when he passed me. the eyes wa... it was similar... Kinda know how he looks like with out know it is him (physical-wise/ mannerism) coz i probably spent more time studying him than my books (lol... actually yes, i did but cant tell u when & where. but canteen & football field/ basketball court area are some of d places but thr's another place i spent hours 'studying'!).

Grrr... i need sleep!! got work in less than 7 hrs time! probably have night mares dreaming of him stalking me this time! LOL... Sigh... If anyone knows if that was -HIM- or not tell me please!!!! but.. "As if u'll know who -HIM- is!!"