Sunday, July 29, 2007

Freaking mad!!! M 23, not 5!!!

Current Mood: Freaking mad
Current Colour: red and black
Current Music: a pretty hypnotic song- teardrop by massive attack (listening to Prison Break OST) wait... change to deftones cd. not my kninda thing but my emo guy listens to it. it has serve it's purpose... it's emo enough for my emo mood... grrrrr....
Current Annoyance: parents being a pain in my@ss... they treat my sis as if she's 20 years older than me n i'm only 5!!
Current Obsession: getting the hell out of brunei



Ok. so I lie. I do hate getting stucked in brunei, no frens except Lina and Khiong, working with OLDER ppl who have kids my age, no life except go to work- come home- sleep- and repeat that every freaking working day!!!

I've been trying to convince myself, life isn't so freaking bad here in brunei. no tax, no war, earn enough money to convince myself not to kill myself after work each day....

do i hate my job? no... i hate my freaking life! d only fun i ever get is when i go out with lina to shop/ eat/ hunting/ wahatever... enough fun to be contented to actually have only one real fren here in this WHOLE country. sad? i think i really should have taken up mum's offer to bring me to psychatrist when i was 15-16. yeah, i've been pretty fucked up since i stepped into brunei. i had a normal life in kuching. when i was in miri at least i have a semi normal life. Now?? i dont haf a life. One day might go haywire and be dysfunctional. maybe i shud do a britney and shave my freaking hair off...

yes. this is my cry for attention, i want, no, i NEED to get out of brunei. it's screwing up my life- depression at 15, suffered from bully-ish from form 4-5, low self esteem at 16, inferior complex at 16, duel/multi personality complex by 18 (if u know me from uni, u'd b surprise to know the me in brunei), no bf til 23.... damn. How to get a bf if wanna go out with a FEMALE friend (aka Lina, who else?) also haf to ask for permission?? Am 23 orr, not 15! My sis sometimes just go out and she's 20!!

my sis allowed to travel on her own (she flew ALONE yesterday) or with frens by 18 or 19. me? d furthest is miri la, by bus n sampan. u think my parents even allow me to go further? once off handedly said wanna go to sibu by land with frens, they freak out... yeah. That bad. and that was when i was in uni.

the first time i went out with frens (legally) was when i was 17 (at 123 0r 14 or so got sneak out la... pretend go to post office or sch or buy sch project stuffs... but go lim teh or just browsing at BOOKSTORE... m such a nerd/ geek). my first sleepover was at 18. my first sem in uni (foundation at riam time) i was grounded for 1 sem coz i got caught at d shopping mall at 10.30pm by my cousin (tale tell... :( grrr...) My first date... hahahha... u think any guy wanna date me? considering that they probably haf to send in written request to my parents just to go out with me or worse probably wanna chaperone. Oh hell...

come on la. M old enough to think here! if in uni manage to fend off ppl who wanted to get into my pants (yeah, a few... including... nevermind), definitely know how to think properly. I mean, d idea of u know, one night stand... to some it's fun but to me... i have a sense of dignity and self worth. i still respect myself and even if no 1 respect me, i still wanna respect myself in d morning when i get up. me no prude (oh hell, further than that ok. my mind is like an x rated movie store sometimes, thanks to listening to too much guys' talk in uni) but dont expect me to screw around.

drug, smoking, drinking, sex... all the vices... i manage to graduate without trying any of those. what makes it different now?? considering i had frens who r alcoholics, chain smokers ( normal ciggies n also those who did weed...), druggies/ pusher (well i suspect only la, cant confirm... lol. dunno whr they r now), permiscuous frens (yeah, some bitches i know slept with HIM)... i don't condemn them for their choices... it's a free world. but they never influenced me. hell, idont even go clubbing!! not that i'm a goody two shoes... iame home at 9am before (but stayng alone so who cares... din come back for days also no1 scold...)

parents shud give me some slack la... m 23, repeat, 23. I work and earn my own money. yes, i did set aside some for d future. for my studies but hey... i need to relax sometimes. need to go out, meet some friends, meet guys (brunei no guys that interest me, all i meet are OLD ppl from work related thingies) mayb date a few guys? Grrr!!! I wish some guy jsut sweep me off my feet, bring me away to a far far away land and live happily ever after... when i was 12, i said i wanna marry at 24... hello, m 23 and no bf... u think my parents let me get married after a short courtship??? no way... ppl gossip only later, must b pregnant one la, shotgun al, whatever la... probably at least 5 years by d looks of it... if i even manage to get a guy to date me in d first place!! sigh... scared of ending up alone... a lonely spinster with 30 cats... Oh hell!! that's scary. if by 40 din marry probably kill myself liaw lorr or b permiscuous... hahahaha.... sigh... only if.... who knows, probably dun even live to be 30 with all this stress and depression... lol. touch wood!!!

But m raring to leave this place so ppl, if u wanna make me happy, offer me a job OUTSIDE of brunei and sarawak/sabah ok. The further aka Hollywood d better! of course m not cutting ties la... come back 4 holidays but hell... need to get out n learn how to cope in d real world. how to be a mother to a 23 year old next time if i cant give advise how it is to b a 23 year old trying to survive in the real world???? Grrr...right now my family is dysfunctional enough ok (not immediate family, extended family). dont make my future like that too... need space to breathe!! aargh!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, my point is... I'm 23. Give me opportunity to grow up and experience life as a 20 something. Allow me to make decissions ( how to how to learn if never get opportunity?? like this job, i applied for it and took it because MY PARENTS want me to, not because I WANT to... more like I HAD to coz I HAD NO CHOICE... I need a job that i enjoy and not a job whr i haf to lie that i liked it whenever i meet YOUR friends) Let me go outh with friends sometimes. If my youngers sister can go for holidays alone, why not me. After all, I'm going with my best friend of 13 years.... who was like another daughter in the family. So... Let me go to Singapore!!!!!!! aargh!!! Stressed enough in office. need to let go some steam before i explode.


P/S: M not disrespecting my parents here or how they r bring us up/ parenting skills. we turn out ok but please... no need to hold on too tight. I need to grow up and leave the nest.