Current Mood: melancholic

Current Music: Slow love songs with some memories

Current Physical State: sleepy

Current Obsession: Peanut butter & rain (not necessarily together)


Something some friends had mention got me thinking. A few times, friends had made passing comments about my single status. Then just a few hours ago my dad also asked me if i had found a boy friend.

Everyone that knows me know that I hang out with guy friends a lot and have a sizable number of guy friends. What confuse them is that my ability to actually have platonic relationships with these guys. I mean, so of these guys are really close friends and people have mistaken some of them as my boyfriend or boyfriends (yup, at the same time). Which is pretty weird since I once had a guy friend whom no one actually thought is a friend of mine and worse, I had a crush on him! hahaha...

What do I look for in a man that I have not found? The guys I know, they are not bad- any girl that get them would be lucky girls. Those who I am really, really close to are really caring guys and they do take care of me as a sister or as they care for any of their chums (yeah, some times I get 'mistaken' for a guy too- blame it on my potty mouth n filthy mind. LOL). Seriously, my guy freinds are all the 'alright' bunch. No worries of them actually harming or hurting any girls.Nice guys... But... as I said, it's all platonic for me. No feelings.

Other girls might find it hard to maintain platonic relationships with guy but for me it's like a second nature. I grew up with boy cousins. at a very young age I had already experienced hanging out with the older guys (yeah, some of them were then TWICE my age or more!! i was a child, they were my 'koko' in their teens) and since then the guys I hang out with have been taking care of me. seriously, if any girls want me to be the 'middlewoman',I have no problem. Been there, done that anyway.

But back to what I want.

It's nothing like liking a guy or just wanting aguy to be a boyfriend. Hell, I'm 21! Time fly by really fast. No more time for 'fun fun' or just for the hell of it. Yeah, pretty much want something stable. Even had a conversation about this.

What do I want?

Comfort, security and contentment. I know some are saying that I sound so old. But that's the truth. I grew up really early and fast. No normal childhood. Therefore my mind is pretty much more mature (tho I cant say the same about my emotions... they get me into trouble very often).

Comfort, security and contentment... Everyone would say "Haven't your parents given you that?" Yes, but it is on a different level. No it's not so much on physical objects, but more on emotions. The kind that makes you feel that there nothing more that you want because these 3 (Comfort, Security & Contentment- CSC) are all met.

Have I felt that before. Seriously, I can say I have. Yes, once in my life. For a short while, about 10-15 minutes. the longest but yet also the shortest 15 minutes of my life. With whom? Aahh... There has always been only one man in my life. :| *bittersweet smile*

It felt so perfect. Us, alone (really ALONE for once) and no one around for miles(?) or something like that. He was like a knight in shinning amour. Has always been anyway. Never was this close to him (though, I really wish I was in HIS ARMS... hahaha). There and then, I felt the CSC. There's nothing more that I want. I was contented. If i were to die there and then, I'd die a happy and contented woman. hahaha... Sigh... Like I said, there was like nothing more I wanted in life. not even fame or money... I think, if I could (and if he had asked),I'd marry him right away... sigh...

(Geez... Unchained Melody is setting the mood here for me)

There... I think I sound like a fool. Does he know? I mean, DID he know? (should use past tense, he's a distant memory now) 99% no. There is a small possibility he knew how I felt but i think it's pretty slim.

THAT I cant possibly say is LOVE. A crush yes. if a crush can make me feel like that, how much more can being in love be like! I guess, I'm not in a relationship now because no one can make me feel like that yet (again). I'm pretty much of an emotional person, but privately. I like to be in control of my emotions and I like them to be CSC. I don't really care if he isn't rich,as long he can support me financially. I need a man to support me emotionally and i guess also to support me in my undertakings, as I would to him too.

Bet you'll Question why I never told Sunshine... I guess it's mostly is due to the different worlds we are in. We are worlds apart. Our interest are waaaaay different, the only common thing is Man Utd, I guess (but all my celeb crushes like Man Utd too anyway). He's like so hot and cute, so yummy. me so short and although I was not as pudgy as I am now, i'm still no supermodel. (oh yeah, the girls I see him with are those type). Plus, I don't think he likes loud (both in audible volumes and in (vulgar) language wise), domineering and independent girls. oh well, I also prefered looking but not owning. Once the chase was over, the fun was over...

One of the few things that was said about me that scare guys that people have told me. izzah said I look (and am) too independent, no guys dare to approach me or think that I don't need a guy. My mom said that I shouldn't show guys that I CAN be more Intelligent than them (meaning, guys' ego like them to think that they are smarter la). someone else (not sure who) said that my ability to actually know what guys are talking about scares them (like if they had their 'guy talk' like sex, I kinda know what they are talking thanks to my 'bros' or if they talk about Formula One... u get what I mean). JAJA told me I'm tough inside though I don't look it. Another close friend (cant recall who) said I'm mean to guys. I can get rude or don't give them a chance to get close. I'm not sure la.The weirdest & most contradictory thing I was told before was told by Lotezcia years ago- "you're a natural flirt. You flirt with all the guys here (choir guys)" eheheh... did I coz I never knew... It's like so weird. Mabel did say I flirt a lot la... But I think I'm just being friendly, not meant to flirt.. Sigh...

Just wanna say, people can say what they wanna say. They can think what they want, do what they want to. Afterall, it's nothing wrong being young, single, free and loving it. Who have time for a boyfriend if they are busy as me anyway?? (I have a feeling in the future, I might get involved in politics... maybe a politician's aide? don't know. But I'm forever busy anyway...)

Amen to singledom!

Current Mood: undecidabley annoyed and tired
Current Colour: black
Current Music: how can i not love u (joy enriquez)
Current Annoyance: unknown status
Current Obsession: to hurt as i was hurt
Current Physical Ailment: tired (physical, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.)


Nyeh. life sucks.... rumors r circulating. i lost my job. nyeh. no two weeks notice for me eh! how leh? no1 inside is telling me anything... hell, now i know how those KFC Holding directors feel now!

on the bright side, i had really, really nice dream abt my long lost crush. hahahha.. i dreamt he can back to curtin to do some stuffs. i think he can to do some training ka, apa ka... he join military or sth & he was doing search & rescue training. i avoided him like hell but he notice my reaction towards him. one day i ran away somewhere & end up in a river or tunnel or sth. got running water la & got lost. and who should save me but him... hahahaha... then the story goes on but it's for me to enjoy n not for u to know... Don't think dirty! i'm a good girl... ahaks! (Ja, I'll story u soon!)

sigh... which crush?? the one i vowed never to remember again. Sunshine. Sigh... He's so cute. hahaha... i forgot how cute he could be, u know. Aaargh!! cutie addiction. hehehe... make me so happy in a time when i am so down. hahahaha...it help more to think dat the ppl dat hurt me din like him. hahahaha... so i'm on the same side of the line now. nyeh! ;p hehehehe....

sigh... y life is so damn troublesom n boring here. no excitement. these day i get out of bed a late as possible n drag myself out of bed every morning. sigh... no excitement ma... two years ago i'll jump out of bed... gor motivation ma... hahaha... oh well, that is life... :(