I had a nervous breakdown. I'm never the one to bare my soul to anyone, especially not to my mom. Since I was a kid, I could never express my feelings or emotions out loud. Mom got freaked out I guess when I started to cry when I talked to her last night. You see, in my family, if I do cry it must be something really bad coz I am not the type than cry. I can get through 2 - 3 years without crying. no problem. So if I do cry, everyone would freak out. I guess it's been building up since my health is really screwed up, getting periods 2 a month, my skin all dried up & peeling, hair falling, feeling lethargic all the time & getting insomnia... It's just so bad & last night was the breaking point.

** Lots of heart baring, rants & complains from here on... If u get hurt from reading, terasa ke, ape ke, sorry la... not my problem. Siapa makan Cili terasa pedasnya lah!(Whoever ate the chilli tastes it's spiciness or hotness. -> direct translation

It was bad. Cried for nearly an hour! Was so bad, i finished a packet of tissues & probably half a box of tissues too. Mom had to sit with me & talked it out. Not really gonna say what it's all about. Let's just say all those months of keeping my emotions inside come out... kinda blew up like a volcano. Most about feeling betrayed by those I called 'friends' & 'family away from home'. Who am I kidding. They needed me more just to do stuffs for them, not to hang out with. I mean, it was apparent that they'll only call me up to say "Serena, I need you help.", "serena, can you help us to do this?", Serena this, Serena that. Don't mean to complain but how much of that could a person handle?

I know I would help them wilingly because I want to. I mean as friends we'd help each other & be there for each other right? Like I told my mom, the people I care for the most and did a lot for are the ones that hurt me the most. Who didn't know of the fall out with one of my closes friend in uni? When the person was sick, I cared for him/her (dun wanna say). No money, I lend. Homework not completed I helped. Helped to cover up hi/ her ass so many times. I bet the lecturer knew too. I know the fault isn['t mine. Coz I'm not the only one who isn't talking & keeping in touch with him/her.

Who are my REAL friends? I also don't know. The one people I REALLY REALLY know that are my friends are Jaja & Ai Ling my two best friends & Violet my childhood friend til now. Look at my 2 best friends, distance never really changed our friendship. Over the years they probably also have new best friends for all I know... Well, Jaja & I are close to Aishah, whi8ch is her other best friend but that's different. Ai Ling was once 'fought' over by me & another friend (well, everyone thought so too then) but se still remained friends. Violet & I haf been friends since we were 4, went to the same schools & chuch & then d same uni. There was once when there were some people who didn;t like me & kinda backstab me... she wa their friend too but it seems she is still my friend til now... I guess that's what i call a strong friendhip... and not letting out side ppl mess it up...

These few months the only few people from uni that had been in touch with me aren't those who I'm always seen with. No, they are friends who even though I never really hung out with still remember. SOme of them, I never really talk to much, just maybe a hi & bye or maybe some short conversation. that's all. When I go on MSN, 99.999999% of the time no one chats with me. Some really close friends, When I saw hi just ignore me... not once or twice but a few times. I get it. U just mean get lost la? No use to SMS people... no one would rep[ly anyway. Like I said before... waste of money only. I tried when I went down to Miri for my cousin's wedding, granduation & also church camp. 3 times. most of d people don't even reply!!

I know some one who I was close to asked me for help for something that day. I sill haf the SMS. Debating with myself if I shud do it. I mean, this person hurt me too... Maybe he didnt realise it or what but he did. Lots of time. I stuck up for him, I always defend him but as years gone by... everyone says he's using me to get things done. i dunno la. But if making decisions that includes me without consulting me isn't hurting me... I dunno la.

Like I told my mom, I guess the most hurt I get if from CV. is CV a volunteer group or a social club now? Don't get me wrong. I still love CV, it's like my baby. But as the baby grows up, he has no use of his mother already right? I'm sorry if anyone feels hurt by this but you guys must remember what is CV all about & what is that we are established to do. I know they are looking for a new Advisor now... Hope you get a good one. Just don't make decisions with out telling others... like electing a new president without telling the current one. I hope Debbie would be Advisor. If Debbie is the Advisor, i'm sure she knows how to handle things. I guess since Debbie left this started to get screwed up. Suddenly all the responsibilities fall on me & jae yet I tend to feel it's more on me. i dunno la. mayb coz I had to manage all the internal stuff... Seriously, Last year I had a breakdown too... They who saw it should remember la. but no one knew I had a slight mental breakdown too... I spent nearly a week at home, not talking to anyone, not meeting anyone. nearly drove me crazy. well kinda did since i started laughing alone when watching tv, talk to me teddies abt my problems... hahaha... Maybe Curtin DID make me go crazy! hahaha... I don't ever wanna count t-shirts again esp if it is in the hundreds... drive me crazy only! hahaha...

But i guess I feel better now... it's time to let go & look fowrd to the future. I told my mom, i'm reluctant to make new friends now coz i'm scared of being betrayed and hurt again. I mean all this while since I was in primary school, people always take advantage of me, step on my head, stb me in d back... really hurtful u know. Like Izzah said.. I'm too nice to people. maybe la, I dunno. I'm no saint. Of course I wanna hurt people. I mean, how many hours did I spend contemplating revenge? I dunno but I can bring myself to do it. I hurts me more just to think of it. I feel so guilty & bad if i did something wrong. I know I tend to speak before I think... but nit's just me. sometimes I feel so guilty just because i said sth & people get it the wrong way... But how can I protect everyone's feelings if i get hurt in d process?

I guess, I'm not cut out to b this out going social kinda person. I think I'm mde to be a loner. Like now. I mean, how many of my friends have I met these past 2 months ince graduation? I think only 1- Oja in church. Who else is there to meet? p[eople can forget so fast. they have their own lives to lead, new friends to hang out. yeah, i'm talking abt those people who lives in Brunei & promised to gimme a call & go out... I know I told Lina I wanna go out with her but I have no transport coz my parents have been travelling la... but others... I dunno & dun care. mom said let go & forget.

People said friends u make in uni r for life... i'll say friends u make in kindie & primary sch r d ones for life. Life in uni is superficial. u can be a different person altogether for God knows. Probably back home u r a nerd, in uni u r one cool dude... I dunno who to trust anymore. I never trust people but sometimes when u hang out a lot with certain people, u'll grow to trust them. People I trust, care for, look up to & think very high of are the ones that hurt me the more. When they stop calling, stop coming by & u don't c them around anymore... well it's time to let go & forget abt them. I dun wanna think abt them anymore... I feel like i wanna delete all their pics but it's memories.. Just cherish the memories & forget the hurt... time 2 move on...

Anyway, I don't know is this coincidence or fate or what ever... As I opened friendster I saw this Bulletin by Izzah... which truly refklects what I feel & have been going through...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you
stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you
didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you
will be in a year or two, but then get scared
because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so
close to aren't exactly the greatest people you
have ever met, and the people you have lost touch
with are some of the most important ones. What
you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere
but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe
you are looking for a job and realizing that you are
going to have to start at the bottom and that scares
you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what
others are doing and find yourself judging more
than usual because suddenly you realize that you
have certain boundaries in your life and are
constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are
insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and
cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize
that the past is drifting further and further away,
and there is nothing to do but stay where you are
or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how
someone you loved could do such damage to you.
Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet
anyone decent enough that you want to get to
know better. Or maybe you love someone but love
someone else too and cannot figure out why you
are doing this because you know that you aren't a
bad person.

You go through the same
emotions and questions over and over, and talk
with your friends about the same topics because
you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and
making a life for yourself...and while winning the
race would be great, right now you'd just like to be
a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading
this relates to it. We are in our best of times and
our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to
figure this whole thing out.


-Adapted-

*P/S: I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feeling but I just had to let it out....Why am I saying sorry?? see, I am the one always to apologise but I never hear ppl say sorry to me!! Sheesh!